For those who know me, they know I love to indulge in the most delicious and fattening food known to man. I LOVE Wild Cherry Pepsi. I can eat Chinese food every day of my life and not get tired of eating it. I once considered marrying someone Chinese just so I could eat Chinese food whenever I wanted. I love pizza, but who doesn't? I once classified salads as "rabbit food". I laughed at people who drank diet pop. I would say, "Why the hell are these people drinking diet, when regular taste much better! I'd rather die happy then drink diet pop!". I hate water. It has no flavor. What's the point of drinking that? Now things have changed. I'm not as ignorant about the things I put inside my barrel of acidic innards.
Since last week I have been on a fat free diet. I eat six times a day, but I cannot consume sugar. I haven't touched a pop or Kool-Aid. I'm waiting for my walls to burst and the Kool-Aid guy to burst out and say,"OH YEAH! Drink this delicious cherry Kool-Aid from my belly!". Imagine the heartbreak he would have when I told him I don't drink that heavenly drink anymore. Imagine the look on his face when I would tell him to "fix my damn wall and get the hell out of my house". It's been hard trying to stick on my diet. Especially when my significant other shoves a pizza in front of my face. It doesn't help that he also tells me it's okay to eat something sweet, especially when I'm craving sugar. Sometimes I feel like punching him in the face when he tells me he's serious about losing weight, then I see him shoving two pizzas and a taco down his throat. Thanks for the support honey!
Since last week, I also have been running two miles every day. It's hell and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who is classified under smart or genius. My Husband sometimes accompanies on my runs. I could run on a treadmill, but I just don't have the money and besides, I hate just staring at my basement where it's dark and haunted with ghosts waiting for me to join them in the after world right after I trip on the treadmill. Thanks but no thanks. Running itself has been an adventure on its own. It's sometimes hilarious to see the people that are jogging, walking, or running. I once saw a lady who was not only fast walking, but also doing a little dance move with her arms rolling around like she was in a damn conga line. I don't know how you even do that in public, lady, but you know damn well people are staring at you!
And with that..I'm going to have to let you go.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sex and the City's Transformation to the Golden Girls
I am a big Sex and the City fan. I love the show and the first movie wasn’t too bad. I got to see a man’s genitals so it really wasn’t that disappointing. I don’t get why most movies show off woman’s cupcakes and cookies and as soon as there is a chocolate éclair, people freak out. I’m married. I’m going to be stuck seeing the same éclair for the rest of my life (or until he leaves me for a much younger and hotter hoochie who’s loaded with cash in her golden vagina). What I’m trying to say is that, we married women would like to see some other guy’s wanker once in a while. Guys go to titty bars to check out other women. Yeah, you could argue that women too could go to a strip bar with men in it, but to be honest, I do NOT find it attractive to have some guy flopping his sausage all around. Put that sausage back in the freezer, dude!
Sex and the City 2 was indeed enjoyable, yet I couldn’t get around the fact that all the women looked like they were trying to hang on to their 20s like it was a winning lottery ticket...
Where’s a hot guy’s junk to brighten the mood when you need it?
Sex and the City 2 was indeed enjoyable, yet I couldn’t get around the fact that all the women looked like they were trying to hang on to their 20s like it was a winning lottery ticket...
Where’s a hot guy’s junk to brighten the mood when you need it?
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Party like a Hick
So it was a Saturday night. My daughter was asleep so I decided I should go out since 1. I'm on vacation and 2. I never go out so it was about time to poke up and say "Hello World, I am a member of society". Did I mention that I am currently vacationing in Wisconsin? My Aunt and see each other about once or twice a year so we decided to go out on a girls night out. Out where she lives, she is surrounded by cows, horses, pigs, and chickens, sheep, give or take. The usual crimes that occur out here often involve the usual cow tipping, inappropriate actions with animals, or the redneck drunken occurrences. Who am I to judge? I after all live in the ghetto where people get popped for looking at someone the wrong way or get blasted for trying to hook up with someone else's hoochie mama. Shit happens.
My Aunt and I decided to go to bar hopping, yet were unsuccessful in finding one that was hopping with fun drunks. Before we decided to go home, we decided to go to this dive bar as our one last chance to try to have fun and make fun of people. Little did we know, that this bar was the king of all loser white trash bars ever. I admit, my palms were sweaty as soon as we went into this rinky dink bar. As soon as we walked in, we saw some old "wanna be cool" biker dudes getting hit on by some old ass, tore up from the floor up, riden to hard ladies who were wearing dresses that were dated back from the 70s. One lady looked like she was wearing five varieties of curtains. I tried to contain my laughter..I really did. Me and my Aunt decided to sit down and I decided to order a beer. When I ordered a beer, the bartender proceeded to ask another gentleman at the bar for a lighter and instead of using a beer bottle opener, used the lighter to open my beer... We should have walked out, but we didn't.... It was weird because I was the only ethnic person in the whole bar. It looked as if a KKK meeting took place beforehand and I wasn't welcomed, but that feeling did not last long because some old obese man proceeded to give me his best "suave" look and say "hi" to me. I was shocked because I know I may not be the best looking woman in the world, but damnit I have standards OLD MAN!!! I said "hi" back and gave a little smile, but then quickly turned around and looked directly at my beer as if it was more interesting. I then overheard one of the old ladies say to the other one(with the curtain dress), "CLOSE YOUR LEGS(insert name here), YOU'RE A LADY", as she was stumbling around. They then proceeded to dance to a Puddle of Mudd song, that they probably thought was kick ass, even though Puddle of Mudd was a hit when I was a little teenie who was getting hit on by zit faces. I couldn't believe the free show I was getting. It was purely a spectacle. About a half hour later, we decided to go back home and ditch the XXX Granny porn preview.
I would hate to find out what would have been if I had actually worked there..I thank my lucky stars... You should too!
My Aunt and I decided to go to bar hopping, yet were unsuccessful in finding one that was hopping with fun drunks. Before we decided to go home, we decided to go to this dive bar as our one last chance to try to have fun and make fun of people. Little did we know, that this bar was the king of all loser white trash bars ever. I admit, my palms were sweaty as soon as we went into this rinky dink bar. As soon as we walked in, we saw some old "wanna be cool" biker dudes getting hit on by some old ass, tore up from the floor up, riden to hard ladies who were wearing dresses that were dated back from the 70s. One lady looked like she was wearing five varieties of curtains. I tried to contain my laughter..I really did. Me and my Aunt decided to sit down and I decided to order a beer. When I ordered a beer, the bartender proceeded to ask another gentleman at the bar for a lighter and instead of using a beer bottle opener, used the lighter to open my beer... We should have walked out, but we didn't.... It was weird because I was the only ethnic person in the whole bar. It looked as if a KKK meeting took place beforehand and I wasn't welcomed, but that feeling did not last long because some old obese man proceeded to give me his best "suave" look and say "hi" to me. I was shocked because I know I may not be the best looking woman in the world, but damnit I have standards OLD MAN!!! I said "hi" back and gave a little smile, but then quickly turned around and looked directly at my beer as if it was more interesting. I then overheard one of the old ladies say to the other one(with the curtain dress), "CLOSE YOUR LEGS(insert name here), YOU'RE A LADY", as she was stumbling around. They then proceeded to dance to a Puddle of Mudd song, that they probably thought was kick ass, even though Puddle of Mudd was a hit when I was a little teenie who was getting hit on by zit faces. I couldn't believe the free show I was getting. It was purely a spectacle. About a half hour later, we decided to go back home and ditch the XXX Granny porn preview.
I would hate to find out what would have been if I had actually worked there..I thank my lucky stars... You should too!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
In and Out...Tales of the Pharmacy.
Today seemed like a totally normal day. I woke up after about 2-3 hours of sleep, stubbed my toe on the floor on the way to the bathroom, took a shower without passing out from not getting enough sleep, then got ready to head to the pharmacy. The pharmacy is like 5 minutes away from my house so I thought I be able to get in and get my daughter's antibiotics and leave, end of story, but no, as usual something weird always happens to me. It's as if God thinks that these weird abstract little events that happen to me is a funny little practical joke. I'm not laughing. I thought it was funny that time my Grandma through Holy water on me. I was a good sport back then. I even screamed, "It burns", when she did it, but alas it all came back to bite me in my ass.
So I walked into the pharmacy, turned in my daughter's prescription, and was told it would take 15-20 minutes to get my daughter's medicine. That's not long, I thought to myself. I was wrong, very very very wrong. That was enough time for me to have TWO weird and awkward occurrences. Since it was only 15-20 minutes, I thought it would be nice to browse around the store and try to look for some things I may need or not really need. Given that, I don't necessarily live in the best neighborhood, I really didn't have any real big concerns. I figured if anything would go wrong, I could always get by with throwing a can of beets at a person or throwing a twenty dollar bill in one direction and run the other way. Besides, no one really talks to one another in my neighborhood unless 1. they want to rob you or 2. they want some money. So I thought....
I decided to go down the "Easter" aisle since it is almost about that time, like 2 months before Easter. I was just looking around, minding my own business, and all the sudden some little girl starts talking to me. Well, she wasn't that little, she was like in her preteens. She was also scanning the Easter aisle along with me, then she starts talking to me. I like kids, after all I have two girls of my own. She starts talking to me about toys. She then starts asking me to pick one out for her because she can't choose her own toys. I was shocked because my kids never ask me to pick out their toys because if they did, there would be tons of educational toys in our house, instead of all these toys they get tired of for like a day and lose under the couch and bed. Besides, it would probably end the fighting of toys between my kids. Who wants to fight over a learning book? I just thought it was weird for a preteen to talk to someone she doesn't know is all. When I was that age, I would just stick to my own little awkward Annie Broadway looking self. I would never dare to talk to another person older than me, especially a lady with scratches on her face from her little 3 year old daughter attacking her for making her take pain medicine for her ear infection. The girl then asked me to pull out some rubber spider from a box of rubber insects. Her reasoning for this? She was scared and creeped out from the fly so she decided she wanted to get the more scarier looking spider. I don't get the logic in it? Where is her Mother? Is all I could think. Then, I heard, "HURRY UP AND PICK OUT A TOY! WE NEED TO GO!?" from the register. I couldn't see the Mother, but I could hear her screaming at her overly friendly daughter. "BUT MOM, I WANT TO PICK OUT A TOY!" she said as she ran to the end of the aisle to explain to her Mother. After that, she went back to the box of insects, told me, "This one is busted", and put her hand into the box to try to grab another rubber spider, even though a couple of minutes ago she told me she was "TOO SCARED" to touch the fake rubber fly. Hmmm... Why must God play these little jokes on me? Don't worry, it gets even better.
After scanning the Easter aisle, I decided to take a trip down the toy aisle. I was just minding my own business, then suddenly some other lady was in the aisle also browsing. I was like, whatever, my day couldn't get any stranger, again I was wrong. She then starts talking to me. First she's talking about her kids and I start conversating a little bit with her because I can related, after all, I do have two daughters myself. So then she starts bringing up how she wants to adopt and how it's hard being a single mother, and starts to cry all the sudden. I am already socially awkard as it is, and this did not help my situation. I didn't know what to do. I am clueless to pharmacy breakdowns. I felt sorry for her, but I don't even know how to deal with my own feelings as it is. Why can't everyone learn to bottle their feelings until they're ready to explode? WHY? After she stopped crying, she then said, "I'm sorry for talking your ear off so, I'll let you go". And it ended like that. I bet God was laughing his ass off. I'm going to need Xanex just to get used to people again. My social awkwardness just skyrocketed up.
After that, I went and got 4 laffy taffy candybars and 2 Snickers ice cream bars. What the hell, it couldn't get any worse than today, I could always get fat so that people would fine me socially disturbing to talk to. I got my daughters medicine, and left the pharmacy. So much for in and out, I thought. I came home and told my Husband my story. He then said, "Why do weird things always happen to you?" I tried to keep in my tears from laughing.
So I walked into the pharmacy, turned in my daughter's prescription, and was told it would take 15-20 minutes to get my daughter's medicine. That's not long, I thought to myself. I was wrong, very very very wrong. That was enough time for me to have TWO weird and awkward occurrences. Since it was only 15-20 minutes, I thought it would be nice to browse around the store and try to look for some things I may need or not really need. Given that, I don't necessarily live in the best neighborhood, I really didn't have any real big concerns. I figured if anything would go wrong, I could always get by with throwing a can of beets at a person or throwing a twenty dollar bill in one direction and run the other way. Besides, no one really talks to one another in my neighborhood unless 1. they want to rob you or 2. they want some money. So I thought....
I decided to go down the "Easter" aisle since it is almost about that time, like 2 months before Easter. I was just looking around, minding my own business, and all the sudden some little girl starts talking to me. Well, she wasn't that little, she was like in her preteens. She was also scanning the Easter aisle along with me, then she starts talking to me. I like kids, after all I have two girls of my own. She starts talking to me about toys. She then starts asking me to pick one out for her because she can't choose her own toys. I was shocked because my kids never ask me to pick out their toys because if they did, there would be tons of educational toys in our house, instead of all these toys they get tired of for like a day and lose under the couch and bed. Besides, it would probably end the fighting of toys between my kids. Who wants to fight over a learning book? I just thought it was weird for a preteen to talk to someone she doesn't know is all. When I was that age, I would just stick to my own little awkward Annie Broadway looking self. I would never dare to talk to another person older than me, especially a lady with scratches on her face from her little 3 year old daughter attacking her for making her take pain medicine for her ear infection. The girl then asked me to pull out some rubber spider from a box of rubber insects. Her reasoning for this? She was scared and creeped out from the fly so she decided she wanted to get the more scarier looking spider. I don't get the logic in it? Where is her Mother? Is all I could think. Then, I heard, "HURRY UP AND PICK OUT A TOY! WE NEED TO GO!?" from the register. I couldn't see the Mother, but I could hear her screaming at her overly friendly daughter. "BUT MOM, I WANT TO PICK OUT A TOY!" she said as she ran to the end of the aisle to explain to her Mother. After that, she went back to the box of insects, told me, "This one is busted", and put her hand into the box to try to grab another rubber spider, even though a couple of minutes ago she told me she was "TOO SCARED" to touch the fake rubber fly. Hmmm... Why must God play these little jokes on me? Don't worry, it gets even better.
After scanning the Easter aisle, I decided to take a trip down the toy aisle. I was just minding my own business, then suddenly some other lady was in the aisle also browsing. I was like, whatever, my day couldn't get any stranger, again I was wrong. She then starts talking to me. First she's talking about her kids and I start conversating a little bit with her because I can related, after all, I do have two daughters myself. So then she starts bringing up how she wants to adopt and how it's hard being a single mother, and starts to cry all the sudden. I am already socially awkard as it is, and this did not help my situation. I didn't know what to do. I am clueless to pharmacy breakdowns. I felt sorry for her, but I don't even know how to deal with my own feelings as it is. Why can't everyone learn to bottle their feelings until they're ready to explode? WHY? After she stopped crying, she then said, "I'm sorry for talking your ear off so, I'll let you go". And it ended like that. I bet God was laughing his ass off. I'm going to need Xanex just to get used to people again. My social awkwardness just skyrocketed up.
After that, I went and got 4 laffy taffy candybars and 2 Snickers ice cream bars. What the hell, it couldn't get any worse than today, I could always get fat so that people would fine me socially disturbing to talk to. I got my daughters medicine, and left the pharmacy. So much for in and out, I thought. I came home and told my Husband my story. He then said, "Why do weird things always happen to you?" I tried to keep in my tears from laughing.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Just because you have spiked hair, doesn't mean your sharp
One day I was walking in school and all of the sudden, I spot two dudes with the same spiky, Sonic the Hedgehog up do. I have lived in California, where hair products are actually used by men, but so is lipstick and mascara in some cases. I think it's cool that men gel and style their hair now. I'm usually all for men keeping up with their appearances, but I don't know if it was the way they did their hair that set me off, but it annoyed me a tad bit. Ever since "Jersey Shore" came out, I've realized that some of the guys out here have also copied the walking STD style. By word of mouth, I have also heard that the men in the club are also starting to dress and do their hair like their Jersey Shore idols. Hmmm...If a single woman out there has to look for a guy while putting up with spiky hairstyles and overly confident men, then I feel sorry for her. She might as well put in a hair bump and get poppin' at the club.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Stoopid Phone
Today I choose to rant about the biggest thing that pisses me off, no not my Husband this time.. I'm talking about my dumb poor excuse for a phone. I shall not release what model I have for fear of being sued, but let's just say it rhymes with Z Robowl Knit-kit. It constantly erases my contacts, but thank gawd I have a Sim Card, otherwise I'd really be angry as a Christian in a Brothel. Now it's roller bally thingy majig isn't working anymore! I am stuck blowing into it like an old school Nintendo game. What the hell? Well my contract FINALLY is ending with this company so I'll be free at last! On a lighter note today, I finally can compute at home. My laptop screen is broken so I'm stuck using my TV as my screen. How funny is that? Guess I will have to stop saving money for my new boobies and have to start pinching pennies for a new laptop. Guess my boobies will have to wait a couple of more swimsuit seasons.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Picture Me: NAKED
Okay, so I am currently enrolled in an Introductory Photography Class. I thought, what the heck, I like taking pictures, let me pay someone to show me the "proper" way to take a picture. Yes, there is actually a "right" way to take pictures, no bull. I learned how to develop my film and actually go to the darkroom and enlarge my photos on my camera. While learning the do's and don'ts of the darkroom, our Professor tells a story about a student he had in his class. One day, he decides to walk in the darkroom and sees a stack of pictures of people naked, and getting very familiar with each other. By familiar, I mean familiar familiar. Donkey and naive woman in Mexico familiar. Drunken bar night familiar. They were bumping uglies with one another! The first thought that popped in my head was how can someone be in the same room while people are having sex? How can they even take pictures of the whole ordeal? I don't even want to be in the same room when I'm having sex! Is anything sacred anymore? Is it?
He asked the girl why she took the pictures, and she said she wanted to show something like love or lust, I don't know it was something in that nature. It's okay to show two people together, hugging or two or three people having a quick feel up or under the sweater action, but actual penetration? What the hell? I do consider myself a "with it" kind a person and I believe in "expressing yourself", but there are classy ways of doing it. He then gave us a rule: Don't take pictures you wouldn't show to your Grandma. NICE!
He asked the girl why she took the pictures, and she said she wanted to show something like love or lust, I don't know it was something in that nature. It's okay to show two people together, hugging or two or three people having a quick feel up or under the sweater action, but actual penetration? What the hell? I do consider myself a "with it" kind a person and I believe in "expressing yourself", but there are classy ways of doing it. He then gave us a rule: Don't take pictures you wouldn't show to your Grandma. NICE!
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