Party like a Hick

So it was a Saturday night. My daughter was asleep so I decided I should go out since 1. I'm on vacation and 2. I never go out so it was about time to poke up and say "Hello World, I am a member of society". Did I mention that I am currently vacationing in Wisconsin? My Aunt and see each other about once or twice a year so we decided to go out on a girls night out. Out where she lives, she is surrounded by cows, horses, pigs, and chickens, sheep, give or take. The usual crimes that occur out here often involve the usual cow tipping, inappropriate actions with animals, or the redneck drunken occurrences. Who am I to judge? I after all live in the ghetto where people get popped for looking at someone the wrong way or get blasted for trying to hook up with someone else's hoochie mama. Shit happens.

My Aunt and I decided to go to bar hopping, yet were unsuccessful in finding one that was hopping with fun drunks. Before we decided to go home, we decided to go to this dive bar as our one last chance to try to have fun and make fun of people. Little did we know, that this bar was the king of all loser white trash bars ever. I admit, my palms were sweaty as soon as we went into this rinky dink bar. As soon as we walked in, we saw some old "wanna be cool" biker dudes getting hit on by some old ass, tore up from the floor up, riden to hard ladies who were wearing dresses that were dated back from the 70s. One lady looked like she was wearing five varieties of curtains. I tried to contain my laughter..I really did. Me and my Aunt decided to sit down and I decided to order a beer. When I ordered a beer, the bartender proceeded to ask another gentleman at the bar for a lighter and instead of using a beer bottle opener, used the lighter to open my beer... We should have walked out, but we didn't.... It was weird because I was the only ethnic person in the whole bar. It looked as if a KKK meeting took place beforehand and I wasn't welcomed, but that feeling did not last long because some old obese man proceeded to give me his best "suave" look and say "hi" to me. I was shocked because I know I may not be the best looking woman in the world, but damnit I have standards OLD MAN!!! I said "hi" back and gave a little smile, but then quickly turned around and looked directly at my beer as if it was more interesting. I then overheard one of the old ladies say to the other one(with the curtain dress), "CLOSE YOUR LEGS(insert name here), YOU'RE A LADY", as she was stumbling around. They then proceeded to dance to a Puddle of Mudd song, that they probably thought was kick ass, even though Puddle of Mudd was a hit when I was a little teenie who was getting hit on by zit faces. I couldn't believe the free show I was getting. It was purely a spectacle. About a half hour later, we decided to go back home and ditch the XXX Granny porn preview.

I would hate to find out what would have been if I had actually worked there..I thank my lucky stars... You should too!